Anticipatory Grief – if you didn’t know the term before, you do now! It’s the emotional pain we feel before any loss actually occurs. For pet parents, this grief can begin when a terminal illness is diagnosed. Or at early signs of aging, as faces go gray and knees get stiff. Sometimes this can be a quiet ache that is invisible to others, but it’s very real and can be deeply isolating.

My friend at Forever in Our Hearts introduced me to this phrase and I couldn’t believe I’d never heard it before – I’ve worked in end-of-life care for over a decade. Being able to identify these complex emotions means we can talk about it, though. So let’s talk about it.

When we know the end is approaching, we often feel sadness. But we might also feel things like guilt, anxiety, or even relief. I’m in the thick of this right now with Howard. We’re having issues with (Dane-sized) incontinence and I’m disgusted with the part of me that is somehow looking forward to not cleaning up poop. I’m doing my best to follow my own advice here to acknowledge, accept, and make space for these feelings, however confusing.

Emotionally preparing for pet loss doesn’t mean shutting down or detaching—it means leaning in with intention. I'm looking forward to sunnier, backyard weather and spending time with this old boy. Creating memories. Taking photos. Saying the things I want him to know. And planning a gentle goodbye at the end of a fun-filled, sun-filled day with lots of snacks and friends.

Most of all, I'm giving myself permission to grieve, even before the goodbye. This kind of grief isn't widely understood, but it is real and valid. My bond with this handsome boy is unique—and so is the path to honoring it.

PS - I also cannot recommend Forever in Our Hearts enough. If you are a Flameless Cremation Services family, contact me for free access to this site. For everyone else, FCS50 will provide a discount.

• Water cremation
  • Flameless Cremation Services is the only water cremation facility in Southcentral Alaska. Like funeral homes for people, we also accept "pre-need" arrangements with families. Read more about pre-need here.
  • Ashes can be kept, scattered, or buried. There are abundant options for urns of all shapes and sizes, and countless ways that ashes can be used in art, jewelry, and other creative keepsakes. Some options for mementos using ashes and fur can be found here. 
• Flame cremation
  • In the Anchorage and Mat-Su areas, your options for flame cremation include Harthaven, Passages, and PetER. Your favorite veterinarian likely has a contract with at least one of the flame crematories.
• Burial
  • We aren't aware of any cemeteries within the Anchorage area willing to accept animals. If you know of any, please message us! For backyard burials, the State of Alaska has recommendations about burial depth and distance from water sources. 

• Involve your trusted veterinarian in this decision, but you know your pet best. Try to be objective in evaluating quality of life for your pet. The Quality of Life Scale is a good tool to help you in this assessment. 

• At home or in a veterinarian's office? There are a number of mobile veterinarians serving the Anchorage and Matsu areas.

• For your pet, your gentle touch and familiar voice will be comforting.
• Who do you want to be present? Who will be your biggest source of support? 
• Death Doulas and Death Midwives are another resource. They've undergone training to help families in creating ritual and meaning during end-of-life and aftercare. They're also able to help with more practical and logistical needs that arise.e
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• Fur clipping, pawprints in ink or clay, nose prints - if you want any of these keepsakes, make time to collect them. Your veterinarian, Doula, or crematory professional should be able to help. 
• Other memorialization options, like a personalized urn, or jewelry or stones made from ashes, can be commissioned at a later date if it's too much to consider now. 

• www.rainbowsbridge.com/Grief_Support_Center/Grief_Support_Home.htm
• https://www.petloss.com/
• https://www.pet-loss.net/preloss.shtml

• flexibility in memorialization – ashes can be kept, scattered, or used in memorial items like jewelry or other keepsakes.
• portability – if you don’t have a backyard or plan on moving in the future, cremation means you can take your pet’s remains with you.

• cost -- cremation costs vary. Most crematories have different rates based on the size of your pet. Communal cremations (where no ashes are returned) are less expensive than individual (sometimes called “partitioned” or “semi-private”) cremation.
• emotional aspect -- Some pet parents struggle with the idea of cremation and prefer a more tangible resting place.
• Including ritual – if rituals like shrouding, vigiling, or placing personal items with your pet are important, make time and space for these before transportation to a crematory.

• a physical place to visit -- A pet’s burial site can serve as a place for quiet reflection and remembrance.
• a more traditional ritual -- Many people find comfort in the ritual of burial, including shrouding, a vigil, or placing personal items with their pet.
• eco-friendly option -- If sustainability is a priority, natural or green burials allow your pet to return to the earth naturally.

• laws and regulations -- Home burial is not legal everywhere. Be sure to check local laws before proceeding. Rules for Alaska can be found on the Division of Environmental Health website.
  **if your pet was euthanized, please take the specified precautions to avoid accidentally poisoning wildlife**
• space requirements -- If you don’t own property, burial may not be an option.
• permanence -- If you move, you may not be able to visit your pet’s resting place.

​In Alaska, generally speaking, it is perfectly ok to bury an animal companion on your own property.

Selecting a specific grave site:

• Think ahead to any future renovations or other construction projects so that the site you choose will remain undisturbed
• Avoid sites where mature tree roots might be extensively disturbed
• Make sure your neighborhood doesn’t have any restrictions about this (the Municipality of Anchorage and State of Alaska do not)
• Especially if your animal was euthanized, select a site at least 100 feet from open water sources

Burying an animal:

• How deep to dig depends on the size of your departed animal companion. The goal is to have 18-24” of soil on top (of their body or casket). Digging to a depth of 4 feet will be more than enough in most cases. **any soil mounded above-ground counts toward this 18-24” recommendation**
• Animals can be buried without any shrouding or external container. The choice to use any of these items is mostly a personal one though gently maneuvering large animals is exponentially easier if they’re at least shrouded.

A note about creating ritual and meaning:

Every family is different and every pet is different, so I can’t give you a script for your graveside service. Some ideas might include reading a poem or singing a song, or simply sharing favorite stories with others present. The actual physical work of grave digging and burial can – by itself – be a deeply transcendent and meaningful act. When in doubt, a consultation with a death doula or funeral celebrant can be helpful.

Burial in winter:

It is not impossible to hand-dig a grave with frozen ground, but it is exponentially more time-consuming. The degree of difficulty is going to depend on the amount of snow cover (more snow may mean less frozen soil) and the moisture content of the soils (wetter soils means more ice).

• Heat – use a propane torch, or a burn barrel or fire pit to warm and loosen the soil
• Tools – shovels are just the start, a pickaxe, mattock, or other tool may be needed to break through the soil
• Considering temporary storage – there’s nothing wrong with waiting for warmer temperatures. If burial is important to you, know that decomposition doesn’t occur in freezing temperatures.

​No matter what you choose, what matters most is honoring the bond you shared in a way that feels right for you.

Further reading: Alaska’s Department of Environmental Health has a one-page document detailing the proper handling of animal remains.

• Know that the eyes usually remain open
• Pee and poop might happen. An absorbent pad or towel beneath the hind quarters is a smart move. Use a damp cloth or baby wipe for clean-up.

• It can start as early as one hour and you’ll notice it first in the jaw muscles. It will soon impact all the body’s muscles, which can make repositioning more difficult. If your pet isn’t already in a comfortable-looking position, get them tucked in early.
• If this muscle stiffening (rigor mortis) is preventing you from being able to shroud or transport, it can be manually manipulated away. This is known as “breaking” the rigor. Slowly “working” joints back and forth, working up to a fuller range of motion, is how this is accomplished. Don’t force it – especially in smaller animals, the strength of rigor mortis can easily surpass the strength of fragile, little bones.

• Other odors and fluids don’t usually appear until beyond 24 hours but every animal is different. Different disease processes can impact this too.
• Fluids coming from the nose and mouth are also normal, this is called purge. Propping the head up with a rolled-up towel or small pillow is usually sufficient to keep fluids from leaking out.
• Be prepared for new fluids and odors when moving your deceased pet after they’ve been resting for some time.
• Ventilation and other scents – turning on a fan, cracking a window, and introducing other scents will keep other odors in check. Any of these would work: essential oils, candles, diffusers, incense, sachets of dried petals and herbs, fresh flowers. Anointing a body with essential oils or decorating with fresh flowers are common elements that can be incorporated into rituals.

• Reusable ice packs – swap them out as needed
• “Wet” ice (just regular ice)
• Dry ice – you can pick up dry ice from grocery stores, or (in Anchorage) 10th & M Seafoods. Handle dry ice carefully (wear gloves) and never use it in a tightly enclosed space. 

• It can be comforting to be cared for by the staff and providers you’ve become familiar with over the years
• Veterinary offices usually have lower fees for euthanasia
  

• Car rides and the vet office may be a source of anxiety for your pet
• The clinical setting can feel sterile, and you may feel rushed as the clinic continues to see other appointments

• For pets in pain or with mobility issues, avoiding a car ride and trip to the vet office can be better
• Being in the home, in a familiar environment, is likely more comfortable for your pet (and for you)

• Mobile veterinarians are usually more expensive, and because there are fewer mobile vets, availability can become an issue
• If you suspect the particular location in your home will forever be a source of great pain for you, and don’t wish to have that painful memory in your home, then choose the vet office
  
  

• bring a deceased pet home from the vet to spend more time with them
• select a crematory (or burial) option not “on the menu” (though expect to handle those arrangements and possibly transportation yourself)
• transport your pet to the crematory yourself